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Remember, you always have time for the things you put first! It has everything you need for a romantic, at-home date with your sweetheart. So, no more excuses! Now you know how to rekindle your marriage using date night! Strong marriages make strong families. Not only does it provide your children with a sense of safety and security, but it shows them what real love should look like. I get it, your husband is a grown man who can take care of himself and your children are small and need you.
But do you know what they need the most? They need a happy home. And happy couples create happy homes. Not convinced? Am I right? You were always cuddling up, holding hands, and sneaking in extra kisses. Well, how affectionate are you now? After kids come along, things can get a little trickier in this department. If you have an unhappy marriage after baby, this is a great way for how to keep a relationship alive after baby.
Part of our job as parents is to model what a strong marriage looks like. I want it to be glaringly obvious. Our kids know that after bedtime is our time! After the kids are in bed, I take a nice hot bubble bath this stuff is my favorite! Afterward, I always feel more refreshed and more me.
Especially at home. Adapt to and learn the art of flirting in front of your children. Have inside jokes! Find moments to laugh together. So start to rekindle romance if you have an unhappy marriage after baby! The truth is, being a mom is hard. Being a dad is hard. If one of you loses, you both lose. Instead of complaining and comparing, work together to support, complement, and encourage each other. Not his rival or competitor. So ditch the scoreboard and stop keeping track. Take time to continue sharing your hopes and dreams with each other. Create a bucke t list and include things you consider both doable and far-fetched; nothing is too small or big.
Have fun! Before you know it you will no longer be wondering how to keep a relationship alive as parents. Never give into the urge to nag or mother your spouse. Give him the love and respect that he deserves and never talk down to him or about him. So remember it goes both ways. If you want to be treated like a queen, treat him like a king. An unhappy marriage after baby is almost guaranteed if you are hovering over your spouse with criticism. Parenting is a tough gig. Chances are, you and your spouse are probably going to have different parenting styles.
Because we were all raised differently, we bring different viewpoints and experiences into our marriage. But you do have to learn to practice honest, open communication. And it usually requires a great deal of humility and patience. If you want to know how to keep a relationship alive after having a baby, you need to get on the same page!
Those are our top 2 go-to parenting books, by far. Intimacy is like the glue in a marriage. Here we go! And those are just my favorite benefits! I mean come on, why would you NOT want those? Yes, it can get a little trickier after the kids come. Or maybe it means getting your hormones checked. Whatever it is, make it important to you. Both my wife and I treated each other like kids. So awful. And today our perspective on marriage has changed so much. She believes in an open-relationship and I believe the opposite. We want to stay good friends. But I am afraid that her letting me know that I am not sexually enough for her is going to be a wound I soon will not get rid of.
I am devastated. For marriage to work. I have been married for 14 yrs and our marriage is hitting rock bottom. In our years of marriage, I have always given my wife gifts, flowers, massages, dinner dates on Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversary, Valentine and surprised her occasionally. Have I ever received a gift? She has never ever surprised me with flirting, sex, gifts, dinner, massages etc. It has always been I trying hard. Women, tend to just want to receive and never make an effort to give to the men. If both parties and be the giver and the receiver, marriages will stand a better chance.
Being single, gets you a lot of flirting and great sex and awesome conversations. I totally agree with Airlie, Steven and DD and as for. I read the first time you sent it out about a year ago. It is great, sage advice which certainly goes without saying goes both ways in a relationship. It takes two people to willingly chose to make the commitment together and see it through the good times as well as the down times.
Dear Lord, so much sexist garbage and generalization in the contents. If your wife is not loving you in the way you need, that is your responsibility to express those needs - sometimes directly. She is not a mind reader. She also has a right to refuse meeting some of those needs - and if they're necessary for your happiness then there are choices you both need to make. But must importantly, just because your wife isn't doing this or that - doesn't mean it's a characteristic you can apply to all womankind.
It means either you didn't pick well to begin with or one or both of you had changed over time. This article sang to me because my husband of 20 years carries most of the qualities listed. The one flaw to which I feel intense betrayal for, is his addiction to porn.
When I first discovered this last year, I naturally found myself comparing the flaws I had to what he was viewing and tried to even incorporate it in the bedroom. My obsession with my looks became overwhelming, that for awhile I paid a lot attention to it, botox here and there, exercising constantly that because of the love I always feel and have felt, I thought it was a thing of the past. He travels for work. Prior to his last departure, we spoke openly and honestly to what eats me up inside.
He promised to me, after realizing how small and inadequate it made me feel, that he didn't want to do that to me again. But, only a few days later, after his departure I had to do some work and his laptop was available so I used it. As I punched in a topic in the search engine, there was his viewing history. He takes me out, treats me like I am the only woman that exists and we have an incredible intimacy, that I always hold him priority giving constant praise and a lot of affection however that part you listed about opening up, even the dark side, he seems to not have the words to or at least let me understand or make sense of it.
All I have ever said to him, is complete transparency when it comes to feelings, thoughts and emotions. Am I not that safe for him to relinquish his inner being too? I have sent your letter to him to read and I pray that I can forgo the pain that I feel right now and learn to love and forgive him. Thank you for expressing yourself, it has reminded me of what It takes to make a relationship strong.
It is amazing how one article has literally just called out everything I havent done for my marriage. I am going through a divorce after 19 yrs together and two teenage boys. She was my high school sweet heart and we got together young. I love her with all my heart, I just didn't know how to show her. Lord knows I wish I would have had this as a reference each day just to remind me that a marriage isn't suppose to be easy and it does take work. She sent this to me about 2 weeks ago and I have read it daily and can't believe that all it says to do and not to do, I did the opposite.
I Truly believe we would still be together if I would have never forgotten what love in a marriage is truly about. My only regret now is that I will never get the chance to show her what it truly feels like to be loved by me in the right way. Thanks for this amazing advice, but it's just a few months too late. I think your article, if true, is your reflection of remorse and what YOU should have done. I feel you should re-evaluate your feelings and ideas in another two years Compare those to your above article.
There are many reasons for divorce. One of which is emotional problems and mental disorders some people do have Alcohol is often very harmful to a relationship. Couple that with emotional problems and you have a no win situation. Obviously written by the woman. No mention of the man's needs. For every relationship, there are two sides. Both need to adhere to the others needs and wants. When one stops, it's over! From a man, still in a go nowhere 16 year marriage.
Expected to give her all she needs when she gives nothing. My story maybe one of inspiration The author of this article is absolutely correct. I was married for 25 years we are both very attractive couple i was businessman took care of my wife. Very much loved her and I felt she stopped or didn't love me anymore the marriage was in crisis there's almost nothing I can do.
It was a long drawn out divorce complications she moved out August Our divorce was final April. For two years I read everything I could about relationships hope to win her love back how to save your marriage just didn't work. Counseling Ect. Even the last day for marriage I even asked her if she would reconsider told me no Finally dropping the rope finally excepting it's over even her mom told me it would be miracle for her to come back to you.
I was starting a new a relationship I told her about it she told me she didn't want to interfere with that but as time went on and I kept thinking about her our contact light we were just communicating and talking like we haven't done in years She sent me a letter outlining what she's been going through and how she felt it was the first letter I can't tell you how long I don't want to going to details but it basically said if you give me the opportunity I will give the opportunity to you.
That was five months ago since then we been have the best time of our lives we been vacationing together been dating going out it's been wonderful many of the things that in this article we're both doing for each other now.
How To Rekindle The Love And Reignite The Passion Back In A Marriage
I'm just so thankful and I told her this we gave a opportunity to give our best to each other and that's all it took. All of James' points resonate: both players making an effort, the need to do something different to stay out of the routine, putting the other before one's self.. Especially when the wife is making a super effort to juggle most of job, household, kids, while the husband does the 'primary' job with travel etc.
Well it all caught up to me after 20 yrs. So they found each other, rekindle a college romance and dreaming about a life together. So I found out, his wife finds out and he can't pull the trigger and give up his family, friends, wife, etc. I knew something was amiss 18months back and got my act together. Travel less,more family to me, more focus on the kids, more focus on my wife.
So I unerstand the score My positive outlook compels me to hang on and help her recover and encourage her to rebuild with me. My gut says we've had out time together And time to move on I'd love to know James' view on getting over someone I still love but but just can't seem to walk away from. Hi Pensive, Gerald Rogers wrote the article. That's the best advice I think myself or anyone else can give you. I wish you all the best. I too wish I had read this article months ago. I woke up to a letter a day after Thanksgiving. I'm devastated. I knew we had problems,but after ten years together, we have overcome a lot.
Unfortunately I'm guilty of failing at all of the things listed, although I'm not they only one. I'm afraid she's already given her heart to another. I recently read your article desperately trying to find out why,where and when my marriage failed of 18 years. We have 6 children and have been with my husband for 20 years total. We started out as high school sweet hearts and then got married after graduating. The plan was to be together forever and for us to have a family. However the trials and tribulations of life and our world has taken its toll. Not to mention our families history.
Something most couples never think about before taking the plunge to get married. Somewhere along the way my husband stopped caring and being soft and gentle. I am not sure but I thin it was rich after the wedding 2 months later when he choose a career in the Marines. Seems like he became too hard and tough and the romance stopped after he left me to go to boot camp only 2 months after being married. Upon his return he became a mean person to me and controlling as hell. Very angry and stopped dating me too.
He never re ally tried it seemed and only focused on himself and his career. Even after getting out of the Marines. Any job or career that he had,has always comes before me and our love. Even with his family and our children. He has simply taken me for granted many many years and treated and spoken to me like dirt. All the while I stay home being supportive of all of his career choices along with taking care of our 6 children all after putting off mg own career choices or going back to college and getting another degree that will more then likely so collecting dust with the others that I earned.
However I am busy raising our family as he is busy doi g his own thing and neglecting me. I spent my whole 20's being pregnant and into my mid 30's all to give him what he said he wanted. Now and as always he has treated me like dirt and disrespected me. I am tired of putting forth energy,time,effort and mostly my heart to have it keep getting broken. I can't get him to see that laughing and dating one another is better then arguing and him thinking ill of me all the time.
I think this article really hit home for me and as I so back and tho k about the marriage vows we said to one another in Gods house I am sad because I know in my heart that we have no real marriage or at least what we vowed to one another that special day. Their is no emotion closeness nor friendship nor much trust between us as there should be. I know and can feel it. I always have and have been the one to honor him and our relationship and try and better it through the years with everything that I can. At some point though you get past the point of exhaustion and the only thing you have is prayer.
I will continue to pray fail until the end,but when is that? When you feel that you have no honor left? No fight left in you. My soul aches daily but as God says love anyway and so i will until I guess I can't anymore. I guess until I am past the numbness stage. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful lesson with the world.
I will always be grateful that at least someone other then I think marriage is supposed to be the ways you described always. With lot of hope and prayer In fact - just trying to live up to that list alone will destroy your mental well being forever. It will make you question yourself, wonder what happened, wonder what you did wrong. If the person you are with is incapable of following along, well then the whole thing is pointless.
You might as well end it sooner than later - if not, count on misery. I laughed bitterly when I read this. I lived this, it was my mantra - and I was betrayed, my children were betrayed. After 23 years, she walked out on us all. Gave up. The warning signs were there. Over the years - every single one of these points were tested I tried to believe in love - it got me nowhere but hell. Take these words to heart End it now - save yourself the torture.
Get out. Get safe. Find the person who believes as well. I have to totally agree with NoOneOfConsequence's experiance. I too lived this as fiercely as I knew how. In the end I had a mental breakdown, misery overtook me and now six months later I am treated as though I never existed am am trying to pick up the pieces everyday I spend without the love of the woman I pledged my future too.
In the 's when No-Fault divorce became the norm all the womans groups screamed that men would love'm and leave'm just as fast as they turned 30 years old. All too often they do exactly what was posted above "- and I was betrayed, my children were betrayed. Guard your hearts men. Not your wifes. I don't even know what to say, my 20 year anniversary is next year and all I know is I'm not happy and I don't think my husband even cares.
When I see comments like.. A marriage is 50 50 I feel sick! Things are rarely equally and you must be willing to step up when your partner is down. Whe I had cancer there was no way I could pull my "50"! When he is away I pull plus taking care of kids and home. It is all give and take but when you learn to give more than take you and your marriage will truly be blessed. Stop keeping score. This was beautifully written and on point. I was married for three years to a man who witheld sex, affection and attention. No matter how hard I worked to make us a home, remain in good shape, etc.
He wasn't like this pre-marriage there were signs of depression , but changed dramatically after we got married. It may have been due to our being too young, I don't know. I spent the next decade mostly celibate, working on me, making sure I'd never end up with someone who expects his partner to take care of everything and be responsible for his happiness. I'm writing here to address the men who've replied that women too need to make an effort.
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I agree! Every man I ever dated pre-marriage and even my ex-husband stated that I always made them feel special and loved, that I was the "perfect" wife had he wanted to be married. There are many women out there like me who are well-travelled, have many diverse interests, work full-time, maintain their bodies and spirits, keep a spotless home and cook fabulous meals, like to play sports, be outdoors, get dirty etc.
Where's the issue? I'm direct though and don't pull any punches, won't tolerate games or BS. Im extremely intuitive and know when something is off. I genuinely want to work on and to know how to make the relationship better. I've never been called a bitch; I don't nag; I'm authentic and expect the same, which it seems many men cannot handle. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm tired of hearing how wonderful I am and want to know where the good men are. I have such a hard time meeting men of quality who are ready for what I have to offer and now that I'm in my early 40s though told I look early 30s , the men are few and far between who aren't severely jaded because of their previous experiences with women.
I don't mind being single if it means staying out of bad relationships, but I would love to find an equal partner to share my life and bed with. I have several amazing girlfriends across the globe who have the same problem I'm not a unicorn-we do exist. I've been on dating sites and curious, found many women like me are out there. So where are the men with similar desires looking for us?
To those men who have been burned: there are women who have been as well. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and push through your fears of rejection. You just might find the relationship of your dreams. I wish my ex husband had read this 2 years ago he awoke and decided after 26 years that he no longer wished to be with me was not sure what love was anymore and if indeed he felt that way about me.
So me he left me and my children. In 26 years it is sad to say that he never went out with me, never took me out he never wanted to go with me to friends evenings out I always went on my own and he was not interested in me meeting his friends I lived the single life for nearly all of my married life. I will be honest I am a loving and giving person and always made him feel like he was special but never received anything in return!
All I ever wanted him to do was to fight for us as a couple instead of just getting up and walking away without trying. Considering he left because he did not feel happy it is a shame that he is now even uhappier. I hope that men read this page and women to be honest and take heed 26 years as a long time to just give up but any time in a marriage you should always try to work it out before too late.
It is a grieving that leaves scars, but one cannot be bitter or vindictive in life you have to get past it and move on and who knows would I marry again I said before absolutely not but who knows what the future holds and my new partner has made me realise that everything is a possibility. The problem is marriage is a dying institution because most women don't really buy into it themselves.
They may say they do, but feminism has all but killed marriage and our old views of Romantic love. Marriage is an institution that is now legally designed to enrich divorced women and leave men destitute. More than likely they will also lose their children while their ex's move in new freeloading "boyfriends" into homes they worked for to live with children they only get to see every other week.
Wow, sounds like something really worth signing up for. It would be cheaper to see a hooker once a week. At least she will be honest about what it is going to cost to get screwed. This article is beautiful. If I met a man who was able to bring all of these traits to the relationship, he could have me for forever. There are a lot of commenters and I'm sure even more readers who are completely missing the point the author is trying to make.
However, I can definitely empathize with these men in the sense that they feel they have been repeatedly burned in romantic relationships. It would be nice to also have a just as well written female version of this article For both male and female readers who would like to look inside themselves to see how they can better contribute to their romantic relationships.
Conversely, we do not have control over other people. This last sentence is very controversial and we all probably carry a flawed view that we have some level of control over certain others, however, I think that is better described as "influence" not control. I digress Anyway, there are two ways I commonly see people go wrong, and in turn, completely ignore the beauty and the meaning behind well written and well intended articles like these.
They could be with a completely self aware, emotionally intelligent, healthy person, or they could be with the opposite. It doesn't matter in this case because, your relationship is doomed by the lack of your actions. What matters is that you look inside yourself to make sure you can give to a relationship in a way that your partner wants to be shown love Not in a way that you want to be shown love.
Men and women alike are both guilty of these misunderstandings and miscommunications. The point being, you take responsibility for you and in a healthy relationship with long lasting potential, your partner will do the same. Finally, if all guys who read this article from a jaded and cynical perspective, decided to have this type of relationship with a psychologically healthy, self aware, and emotionally intelligent woman, I guarantee you, you would have the happiest of marriages and relationships.
Finding her would be tricky, just as it is for women finding men like this, but if you have this expectation, she will come. Just make sure to nix your previous negative view of woman. And ps. Go into your next relationship making the best effort to maintain the mentality that no matter what the outcome of this potential relationship is, "I will be ok". Great article - you've nailed it! I'm a woman, married for 26 years and I love my husband.
That being said I feel like it's one-sided. I think I've done so much for him over the years he now takes me for granted. I totally take care of him cooking, cleaning, laundry and running errands. He rarely shows me any respect and doesn't help out around the house, I pick up after him all the time. I don't think it's me I felt that being married for 25 years was a huge accomplishment and I was so proud and excited to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary together but it turned out to be so disappointing.
A year later not much has changed, I'm still hurt and now I'm becoming emotionally withdrawn. Maybe this article will help. If he reads it hopefully he'll take heed as I don't know what more I can do. Don't get married. It's so simple! Why are you people getting married?! There is literally no reason for a man to get married anymore.
You're like the author, or the woman's husband who commented above me. You're emotionally distant and work long hours to pay for the house and the utilities and the food and the cars that the family drives around with no thanks. After 25 years, your wife decides that your emotional distance is because you don't appreciate her - she divorces you, takes your house and car and you end up in an efficiency apartment - barely able to afford a beer at the local pub.
You pay careful attention to your wife. You listen to her needs and make sure she feels appreciated every single day. Maybe you put nice notes in her lunch like the woman who commented above and do half or all of the housework. You go out of your way to make your partnership as pleasant and mutually rewarding as possible. Eventually like the woman above's husband she begins to take your well-meaning attentiveness for granted.
Finally, that turns into contempt. She no longer finds attentiveness and kindness attractive in a man. So, she starts sleeping with your cousin, or the mailman, or her coworkers, or her boss. Because those men have something you don't who knows what that might be. Finally, either you find out and leave the marriage - or she gets sick of putting up with you - who she now sees as a sycophant - and she leaves you.
She takes your house and car and you end up living in an efficiency apartment - barely able to afford a beer at the local pub. A combination of 1 and 2. You manage to live the dream. You manage to be married for most of your life with no divorce.
Rekindling the Spark in a Long-Term Marriage
It's like being on cloud nine, isn't it? Your wife won't have sex with you, but that's okay - because she's not having sex with anybody. Or maybe she is - you don't really care because after 30 years of marriage she's more like your sister or your mom and, frankly, you don't find her very appealing anymore. Maybe you have an affair - but she doesn't care because, after 30 years of marriage, you're more like a brother or father to her and, frankly, she no longer finds you very appealing.
She constantly talks about you like you're not there and says openly contemptful things about you to other people. You both kind of hate each other but it's a comfortable hatred. She doesn't want to leave because she's way past her prime and doesn't have any prospects - and, you don't want to leave because she would take all of your stuff.
So, you stay there. For the rest of your life. Eventually you die. You leave behind your house and your car and they bury your corpse. Afterward, she tells everybody what a great guy you were. You win the impossible lottery and become one of the 0. You never get married. You may land any one of the 4 examples above. But, in the end, you don't lose your house and car and you can still buy a round for all of your friends at the local pub! You can thank me later. James thank you for the blog and sharing your experience with the world!!!! Many wed for many times for reasons that have nothing to do with unconditional love.
I love what you said about its not about being Perfect, it took me years to learn that! I thank God for the life lessons I learned they helped make me a much better person and that's what marriage is all about making us better. I lost the gem after seven years in relationship. I wonder every time I think about it, could it have been any different?
What controls I had on everything that happened? Well the answer is, husband has no choice but to accept whatever comes in their way. I did my best given my emotional constraints to sustain but didn't work. I did committed some mistakes that I don't try to excuse. I suffer the same intensive pain as was during the process of separation, perhaps more deeper. I am not an ideal husband, but neither is she an ideal wife.
If so, there was no reason to separate. My suggestion is don't let the wife to become purpose of your existence. You have a definitive and profound purpose than that. The cost of this learning is a life for me. I wish no one should go through a painful experience like divorce. I'll have to echo some of the less positive views of this article; the total effect of all of those points is self-annihilation, and that doesn't make for a healthy, honest relationship.
I fit the general profile suggested by the article if not completely slavishly , and taking that into a relationship with a selfish and pathological insecure woman nearly destroyed me. She interpreted all of this self-sacrifice as weakness, blood in the water. I kept grinding myself down, trying to find one more thing to give that might fix things and make her happy. When I reached the point of emotional insolvency, I left my marriage, something I never thought I would or could do. I've lost much of the potential my life once held, and I am reduced to finding peace in the years I have left.
I will finish raising my children when I get to see them , and I will keep working on finding joy in small things. I'm not sure I'll ever seek another relationship, but if I do, I will certainly not approach it with such asymmetrical ideas as are advanced in this article. These ideas are all good, provided they are discussed explicitly between a man and a woman, and both parties agree to ways that they can be realized in a relationship. Hello, I am an IB diploma student and I am here to give you some tips for having a successful marriage. I am doing this because we are currently studying about social relationships and partners for life.
Here are some tips for a successful marriage:. No two people agree on everything, and that's okay, but it's important to be okay with each other's differences. Your article brought tears to my eyes. Been married 24 yrs and my husband decided he's done. I would be thrilled to have a querter of what your article says.
I also wish he would read it but that will never happen. I don't knows how to heal my heart. I guess im just sorry what I offered him wasn't enough. I will always love him and I wish him happiness. Thanks for letting me comment. My wife filed on Monday, she will not speak to me and said that she just felt like it was a loveless marriage. I accepted the fact that she would never change because thats how she grew up. But being divorced once before I couldn't see myself getting divorced for a 2nd time at 38 yrs old.
I do care about her and had a wonderful step daughter. My only disagreement is that yes I may not of showed her the proper love she wanted at times but it's hard to do that when you are a lower priority then drinking beer. It's hard and devastating and I don't like it at all but it was like this when I married her and it will probably be that way forever.
I feel like a failure since it happened twice to me but what do you do. So you can show your spouse love and affection always but if you and your family don't come first you can put out the efforts and try but sometimes you just cant be good enough. This article is nothing more than a master piece of feminist misandry written by well-trained "Yes Man" who is also filled with self-hate and zero integrity and dignity as man.
A successful marriage is indeed based on selflessness, interconnectedness and interdependence. Yet, ignoring the elements of interconnectedness and interdependence, the author of this man hating work, perverts in a most disgusting way, as we will see immediately, the principles of selflessness. Doing this, he's not only raises women to the pedestal of self-proclaimed princesses who are entitled to only get and get more without giving noting in return but he also violates the equation of love and compassion resulting from the principles stated above as to include the woman in that equation and excluding men from it.
Yes, this is the well-known and notorious feminist theory that men are bad, evil and stupid by their nature, while all women are pure, good and blameless. Nothing of course is far away the truth than this hateful lie and feminist incitement. What I'll do next, I'll answer and refute those claims and terrible advises one by one, with the aim of helping our young men and older brothers to avoid their agony and misery if the will do follow those horrific tips. Well, I am also not a counselor, yet I am still married, thus being in a better position of the author to write and to comment on functional relationships and how marriages should be successfully lived.
Me, as standing opposed to the author, have a functioning marriage and not fucked up family life, putting me in a position to give some advice for other people who wish to know how to undergo the same path with more chances of not ruining their life. This response is aimed not only at giving advice to those who seek out marriage but also to those who're struggling already in it so that they can do it more properly. So, here is my humble advice that I learned in a twenty year of functioning marriage and a few more years of three committed relationship to my girlfriends prior to my marriage.
I will not answer this in the same order as in the original post but will follow an internal logic to understand my points better. Fall in love over and over — never stop courting — never take that woman for granted Falling in love over and over again is falling time and again in love with delusion; falling in love with delusion will only distance and drift you from the true love you're seeking apart. You only fall in love one time and then begin to nurture and build the next higher stage of love that is a true, deep and genuine love earned not by delusions, thrills and phantasies but trough working as a team and surviving together the difficulties in marriage as well as the hardships of life while helping reciprocally and supporting each other.
Anyway, metaphorically compared to a camp fire, falling in love is like the first strong fire that ignites immediately, but at the same intensity and speed is going to distinguish in very short time unless we cultivate and nurture it by adding more wood, rekindling a stronger fire and taking care of it until the solid burning coals are created and we can enjoy the steadfast warm and hot fire over a long period of time. It is only now that the fire is not going to extinguishes and that we continue to maintain through adding more wood from time to time to keep it burning. Real Life, true relationships and genuine deep love, are from the nature of the steadfast warm fire of coals and it is earned by work over time, not the short term deceiving and fleeting thrills of phantasies and delusions.
It is when we stop deceiving ourselves by our instant mind suggesting us short term satisfaction and begin to understand that in the long run running after never ending thrills will never make us happy but only more bitter and frustrated, while it's the long term commitment and investment that will at the end let us enjoy the fruits of our work and ever-lasting marital bliss and happiness.
Yet, as opposed to the man hating notion in the article, it is the vast majority of women who lack the required commitment — not men! Those are the women today who rush into the marriage but being brainwashed by feminist incitement who are eager to give everything up and live the marriage. How much? Well it is around 70 percent of divorces that are initiated by women; it's only percent that are initiated by men. It's not men who lack commitment but women who lack it. Well, she doesn't have to stay, but should have the wisdom, the responsibility and integrity to do if she chooses you.
In fact, if she is decent woman she will stay and work with you together. Either way, once the commitment on both sides is here, the way to build a functioning relationship, a true love while avoiding being granted is to create a so called emotional bank which both partner deposit each day small acts of love, generosity, kindness and many more on daily basis.
Some of those acts may overlap with what we call and label as falling and love or courting if considering its appearance, while in essence it's not only a small part of what we deposit but also different in meaning. Yet, there is a small problem and a caution we should take: either those are both the partner that deposit their acts of love, compassion, forgiveness and generosity or it is one that is doing so, taking more than what was deposited creates only deficit, insufficiency and shortage.
Hence, the maintenance, the deposition and withdrawal, is mutual responsibility and can never be demanded from one partner. Do you remember when he was courting and dating you? Can you remember what you have done in those days to keep him and not letting any other woman put her hands on him? Well imagine this right now and do the same.
Believe me, I am a man, when you will do this, he'll not only return you the favor but he will reciprocate it twice and three time more. The responsibility of working in the marriage in this way, is not only the responsibility of both partner, not only that both of them should do this without asking something in return but it can neither function in another way nor it will function when not done in this exact way. There is nothing epic or heroic in putting the man out of the equation, demanding only him to contribute to the relationship and put all the blame on him when it falls apart; it's simply ignorance, evil, hypocrisy, self-hate or misandry depends on the gender that is spreading it.
Never blame your wife if you get frustrated — she was best suited to trigger your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them Translation: especially don't forget this when she abuses you — mentally, emotionally, financially and even physically. When she mistreats you like a piece of shit or exploits you, know your place and act accordingly. This abuse is all for your benefit, only that as all men you're simply stupid to realize it. You simply don't understand that the abuse is here to help you. Interesting if the argument would still be valid when said by a husband to his wife and what the feminists would say about this?
Truth and suggestion: Wow, this is real cruelty and evil. While it is true that we should never blame anyone, neither our spouses nor anyone else, we should indeed talk and give feedback when our needs are not met or when we are abused and mistreated.
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It does not matter if this is a wife or husband, once you as a man are abused stop giving the other cheek and let them turn you from the victim into perpetrator. While you should never criticize or blame you should also stop collaborating with your role as you're wife doormat and let her understand her actions and their resulting consequences. First, you should talk to her. If that doesn't help, suggest counseling.
If that doesn't help either or she's simply not willing to attend counseling, let her understand that you will not take her abuse forever. If also this doesn't help, so dump her ass and never look back again. Yet dumping her ass does not have to be motivated by ill will or hate. You can leave her and be motivated by lots of love and compassion.
Yes, sometimes, both love and compassion do not have to be soft and cozy. Sometimes they have to be as sharp as sword to be effective. This is the kind of love and compassion you practice when she does not want to take responsibility and to behave as a grown up woman instead of a giant toddler. As standing opposed to the author's self-hate and misandry, you should hold yourself in the equation of love and compassion and not letting the others to abuse you for no reason — yes, even if it's your own wife.
Being sharp as sword doesn't mean to be violent — neither physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise — don't lower your standards to hers. It's simply about letting her deal with her own shit, fucked up and messed up life and the consequences of her own actions. To do so you don't need to criticize or blame her, just simply act and respond wisely. And no, her task is not to trigger your childhood wounds and make you suffering as it is not your task to endure abuse, playing the self-martyr or to trigger her childhood wounds and make her suffering.
Life itself, all of its conditions, circumstances and relationships, even that with your wife will inevitably trigger your wife's and yours own childhood wound. Yet, it is neither your wife's nor your job to trigger the wounds but rather help yourself reciprocally to heal — not to add more pain and more suffering than you have both already been inflicted.
It is both of your tasks to help each other heal, to help each other grow and not to inflict suffering one upon the other. Remember always, that your wife is not your teacher; neither she's your guide or even God. Exactly as you, she is your fellow traveller on the path but not your judge and persecutor. Forgive immediately Translation: no matter what she does, whether she mistreats you, abuses or cheats on you, please don't be such an asshole, please immediately forgive her, she's so suffering! Truth and suggestion: well forgiveness and letting go are indeed the very heart of any healthy condition of functioning relationship.
It is not an apex that culminates itself as one strong and powerful event, but is an ongoing process of daily small acts of forgiveness that at the end culminate in an unconditional forgiveness when it is required. Besides of this, forgiveness without wisdom and insight is prison; forgiveness that is accompanied by and insight and wisdom sets us indeed free and liberates us from the bondages of the past.
Not forgiving is still being hostage of our past, but forgiving without understanding what and how to forgive sets and build our future chains and prison. This is not forgiveness, but suppression and self-denial. Forgiveness is not something one can force. It is not a derivative of will but a property of our heart. In some cases, forgiveness should not be only considered under the light of our process that we undergo, but unless the offender bears witness of the suffering he has caused it is not wise to forgive him hence he has learned nothing to be awarded with a second chance after being forgiven.
Take for example, the case of infidelity which I use here because it's the ultimate betrayal that is most difficult to forgive in any relationship and marriage. While it is wise to forgive immediately when your wife burned a dish when cooking, it is not very wise to pretend that nothing has happened when your wife has cheated and immediate forgive her immediately. However, it is even more complicated because while you should forgive her anyway one day for your own sake and happiness, in my opinion cheating is a deal breaker and she should not be granted a second chance even if you forgive her.
What people do not understand and mix constantly is the differences between forgiveness, reconciliation and a second chance. Forgiving someone, does not mean you have to reconcile with that person and be with him together. It does not mean either that you have to give him a second chance. You should forgive, but not necessarily reconcile with her and give her another chance the same is for the wife of course. The question of giving a second chance and full reconciliation is not an easy one, is not automatic and should be considered from many angles under the light of the equation of love and compassion that includes both sides.
Especially it should be treated with wisdom, with mindfulness and situational awareness where we can be sure that the partner is honest, learned from the mistakes, has corrected his ways, has done everything to win the trust again, has done a deep internal searching and put boundaries for him to prevent him acting in the same way again. This is not an easy task, it is a very personal question and the idea of immediate forgiveness in such case is infantile stupidity. More than showing emotional, mental and spiritual maturity, the authors ignorance in claiming that we should by definition and all the time immediately forgive, is pointing to something different.
We don't have all facts and details about why his marriage has failed I am sure it was not only his fault because there is never such reality , but it may point to lack of self-esteem, lack of confidences, to various degree of varying fears, suppression, denial, self-hate, one of them or the combination of them or something similar. Degrading oneself to that point doesn't show of great wisdom, insight and maturity. Men by nature are expressing the physical aspect of the body and mind connection more than women do — it means it is more evident.
Women tend to express other aspects of the body — mind interconnectedness. Men are also tend to use more the doing or fixing mode of mind more than women while women tend to use more the verbal mode of mind. This does not mean they are incapable or lacking the abilities to do so, but that they naturally emphasize other aspects.
None of them is bad or good, both are required and they are complementary. Both, women and men use both of the modes to navigate better in the world. So in that sense, sex for a man with the woman he loves is the absolute ultimate. He is being physical. He is "doing" something with the person he loves, not just talking. In fact, he is communing with the woman he loves physically on top of emotionally, mentally and spiritually. They are experiencing their selfless nature, interconnectedness and interdependence for a brief moment. Based on the interaction and the interconnection of body and mind, most men engage in sex, so they can make a deeper connection with the woman they love.
They are having sex with their wife in order to connect more deeply with her and they seek a complete fusion of their heart, body and mind. Therefore a man does not necessarily needs all the time sex but he needs regular sex with his wife. Once a man is reassured that he'll have regular sex with his wife he's fears will subside and the door for other physical forms of intimacy that do not necessarily include sexual intercourse or erotic sexual activity will open.
So, once as a woman you stop engaging in sex because you allegedly owe him sex or doing it just to keep his mouth shout, but rather engage with him in meaningful, reach and quality sex because you understand his needs and are eager to help him satisfy them, he will not only return you the favor and more than this but will have a satisfied and faithful husband that will be to scared and afraid to lose the diamond that he has.
Why, because it is the very essence between mere physical sexual pleasure that is only short term satisfying and a sexual happiness that is long term satisfying — not only in physical terms but especially emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Make your husband's physical pleasure and sexual emotional, mental and spiritual happiness your first priority; your husband in return should do this for you as well.
Do all of this unconditionally and expect nothing in return. Take and find your sexual pleasure and happiness in giving that happiness and pleasure to your husband; he should do the same for you. Once you find your sexual happiness and pleasure by practicing this kind of generosity within yourself towards your husband and he will do the same for you, this sexual happiness and pleasure will be even more intensified when you do ask and get your needs fulfilled by your partner. You see, we do not become one, we are already one. We are merely two particles of the same one atom.
This is when you ultimately feel our true nature of selflessness and the ignorance, the delusion, of separation, dichotomy and duality falls apart. It's your husband duty to take you sexually; it's not yours as well. You are one, act accordingly. Caution and hint for women: if you want to make this reality, what has first to stop is the demonization of male sexuality. Too many women suffer from this even unconsciously! See Always the Best in Her! Well, if Gerald Rogers would be more honest and less ignorant, this would have been sound something like "Accept Him her as a whole; then concentrate on the good and let go of the shortcomings".
Basically because we humans are imperfect and as the husband has his strengths and flaws so does his wife has her strengths and shortcomings. This ignorance however, as we will see immediately is deeply interconnected with another delusion that Roger lets circulate among his readers namely that of falling in love again and again I have explained it above. Yet, being completely blindfolded when we fall in love, we tend to see only what we like, the beautiful and good aspects in a person, while completely dismissing and ignoring what we don't like, the flaws and the shortcomings of a person.
Very often, it is suppressed with the belief that either we will change the person or he'll simply change for us, just simply because we're so nice and he'll return us the favor. Well, in laboratory conditions, we can built whatever theory we like; however, what counts are not our phantasies and delusion, but how reality works. Most commonly, it is completely against what we thought and as the illusory house of cards crumbles and falls when it confronts reality we are only awake to realize the mess we have built and to experience the suffering of our own ignorance and delusions.
In most cases also having no idea how to properly rebuild our life continuing making the same mistake only under another mask or disguise or as the saying goes it's the same old Bess in a new dress. It is when we got married that we suddenly realize that the things do not work as our delusion or ignorance told us and then deepening our ignorance and delusion we run away when things got hard. Normally, also believing that unless we have cut our ignorance, we can really build a new and healthy relationship with another person while still dwelling in the same delusion that have ruined our first relationship.
The truth is that our ignorance, as well as our flaws, shortcomings, negative emotions, and other poisons of our mind are our own problem. Not that of our partner, and unless we have eradicated them with our current partner, it means simply bringing this heavy stinking baggage into our new relationship. As the other saying goes this is why the grass is never greener. If you want your grass green, irrigate your own yard with your current partner — do not leave him.
However, if you irrigate your own yard with your partner, once the garden is green and blossoming, you don't need anymore another partner. Nor you will need another garden. This simple fact is the reason why the percentage of divorce between divorced couple is even higher than in first marriages, why divorced people divorce and marry many times and why it is true for both partners.
The only exception for that rule that a marriage should be always worked within and never broken is when there is abusive marriage, where one of the partners, the husband's or wife's mental, emotional or physical well-being is at danger. Anyway, another delusion as aforesaid is that instead of dwelling in the ignorance of falling in love over and over again, perpetuating those mistakes time and again into the marriage, what we have to do as mentioned above is beginning to work on the true and higher stage of love which is achieved through teamwork overcoming the difficulties of marriage and the hardships of life while mutually helping and supporting each other.
Either way, to work properly and to base the marriage and relationship on a stable basis, we have to accept the person as a whole, to be comfortable not only with his lovely sides of his personality, but also with his shadow, to consent with his flows and shortcomings and at the end make a resolution to practice letting go and acceptance of that shadow as well as concentrating on his best side.
It is only that after we have gone through all of the initial process that we can simultaneously concentrate on the good, letting go of the flaws after having accepted his shadow. It is also a process that by definition requires both partners. We cannot say that we will be selfless and if the partner reciprocates it will be o. There is no if and it doesn't work like this. Because our purpose in life is not being self-martyr; what everyone seeks is at the end happiness.
What we have to do is first of all to abandon all the delusion that are going with being in love and see if our partner, as we do, seeks a true as well as deep long term love instead of the short term satisfaction of thrill and excitement and is willing to work with us as a fellow traveller on the path. If the partner is not searching that what we yearn, it simply better to abandon him and going your own way before you marry him. Repairing the damage afterwards is extremely difficult.
However, living in an age of feminist male bashing, the demonization of men and male hate, it's very hard to find a woman that at that or the other level was not brainwashed even unconsciously by the feminist mob and its hate. It's not that the women are inherently bad, they are not, and they were simply brainwashed by feminist hate and propaganda.
I do not blame them. Yet, if a woman truly seeks a partnership and a marriage, she must address exactly this attitude against men already from the beginning, namely that she is always right, flawless and blameless, and accept the reciprocity of such demand and work, while her husband must accept naturally his own duties and responsibilities.
She must see her man as equal and not placing herself about him by thinking and demanding from her man to see only the best in her while seeing her man as always bad, flawed, guilty and evil as the feminists require. She should also first accept him as a whole; then see the best in him while letting go of his flaws and shortcomings.
By the way, the advices given by Gerald Rogers are nothing more than the continuation of the man hating feminist notions, those who require the man to do everything, those that put the blame always the man's shoulder and excuses even the worst female behavior as well as instilling in their mind the notion that they are pure and blameless princesses who are entitled to get everything, without doing and giving nothing in return, without taking any responsibility and always accusing the man.
This is why men and women seeking to a marriage with should avoid such advices and expectations like a plaque. I want to go out drinking with JW and YL! Arnold Ziffel - I am sincerely sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your daughter and subsequent dissolution of your marriage. I can't imagine the pain you have endured, but hope you find things in this life that bring you solace and peace. Afer 28 years of marriage I finally accept that I am at a Dead end road. It's time to save whatever is left in me None of the advise will work if only one person wants to make it work. It takes two to tango.
You can not tango by yourself. I have only been in 2 relationships. First relationship, I met this girl and she was on the giving end and I was receiving No dirty minds now. I didn't care much about her. We lived together. She loved me with all her heart. Even when I was going out with other girls, she would still sit at home and wait for me to come home. She never said one word. I never saw a future with her. I didn't want to marry her. She wrote me valentine's cards and expressed how she loved me.
I never gave her any roses and anniversy cards. We were together for almost 10 years. I was 21 when I met her and I left her when I was Fast forward 10 years later, I was I met another woman. She's pretty. I felt in love with her.
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I married her and we're still together for almost 4 years. I would do anything to be with her. I wrote her valentine's cards and anniversay cards, and expressed my love for her. I was doing exactly what my ex-girlfriend was doing for me then. Only this time, I'm on the giving end, and the new woman is on the receiving end. This new woman could dump me anytime.
She doesn't care for me. She plans her future without me. She told me she would be happy dumping me for another man.